Local Woman Loses It

Our operators have heard it all
Our operators have heard it all

Below is the transcript of a recent conversation between a local woman and an OnStar customer representative.

OnStar: This is OnStar, Candace speaking. How may OnStar help you?

Customer: (background screaming and pounding) Shut up! Shut up! For once will you shut up? I am making a call here!

OnStar: Ma’am?

Customer: (muffled screaming, pounding which suddenly ceases) You still there? (heavy breathing) Hello?

OnStar: Yes, hello, ma’am, this is OnStar, Candace speaking. How may OnStar help you?

Customer: Whew. Just let me catch my breath here.

OnStar: Certainly.

Customer: So hard to get a word in sometimes. Anyway, I just bought the GM Envoy SLT. And may I say, I LOVE it.

OnStar: A very popular choice certainly.

Customer: I went with the Emerald Green Metallic exterior and the ebony leather interior. It looks fabulous.

OnStar: I like the Cranberry myself.

Customer: Very nice but a bit flashy for us. My husband wanted to go for the Liquid Silver Metallic but I talked him out of that. Boring!

OnStar: I’m sorry, ma’am, is there a reason why you’re calling?

Customer: Oh yes, my mother. I’ve run over her in my Envoy and she needs an ambulance or something. Of course it hasn’t affected her mouth any. I’m sorry to say.

OnStar: I am determining your position via the GPS system and am dispatching an ambulance to the scene. What happened?

Customer: Well, we drove up to my parents’ place for Easter in the Envoy and I should have known it was a mistake because almost as soon as we arrive, I mean, I’m still in the truck, she starts in on us about the lack of responsibility in driving an SUV, conspicuous consumption blah blah blah and I don’t know what exactly happened. I just found myself putting the truck into gear and ramming her into the side of the house. I mean, I don’t know. It’s just too much, you know? Last month, the woman asked my kids’ nanny in front of me whether we were treating her well. I mean… argh!

Other Female Voice: (somewhat muffled and distant) Of course I managed to raise 3 children on my own without hiring someone else but I guess that was just foolishness on my part.

Customer: That’s it, Mum, you’re toast!

Transmission ends.