Hip and cultured Torontonians are falling all over themselves in paroxysms of self-loathing at the recent election of Rob Ford as mayor and their biggest complaint? He’s a fatty.

One downtown hipster was heard to express disgust that such a fat bastard could be Toronto’s mayor.

“It flies in the face of everything Toronto stands for – he’s some big fat white guy that coaches highschool football – that is NOT what Toronto is about. We’re about small hats, elaborate facial hair, complicated coffee drinks and expressing progressive attitudes. It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’m thinking of moving to Calgary, for god’s sake. At least they elected a Muslim – that’s cutting edge. Someone could think we’re Americans or something.”