Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, has finally ended the speculation as to who would succeed the popular Michaelle Jean as Canada’s new Governor General when her term expires this fall. As widely predicted, the universally admired and respected David Johnston, University of Waterloo President, lawyer and academic was announced by Harper. He is believed to have been an excellent choice – given the terms of reference Harper insisted upon – a bi-lingual male to follow the preceding two female G-Gs. (Jean and Pamela Wallin).

However, it has recently come to light that initially Johnston was simply a red herring intentionally leaked to disguise Harper’s one and only real choice but that, due to a last minute personality clash, the prime candidate was replaced by the eminently qualified Johnston.

So who is this mystery candidate? The answer would surprise many – Jean-Marc Genereux, a ballroom dance champion and choreographer most famous for his choreography in So You Think You Can Dance and as a permanent judge on So You Think You Can Dance, Canada. Apparently, Harper is a massive fan of the show and of J-M in particular. He hid his enthusiasm for the show by groaning whenever his wife Laureen and daughter Rachel would announce the show was on but strangely was always the first one on the couch with a Bud Light Lime opened beside a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts. It is said that when Brandon Bryant failed to win in 2009 Season 5 he entered a profound malaise.  Some say it pushed him over the edge in feeling only contempt for the democratic process. They go as far as to say this is what precipitated the constitutional crisis later that same year.

However Harper seemed to have shaken off these doldrums earlier this year when he realized that, though he couldn’t appoint Mr. Bryant Governor General, he could appoint a famous bilingual Canadian male – Mr. Genereux. Over a number of months, Mr. Harper allegedly wooed Mr. Genereux with the offer. At first Genereux wasn’t interested in living in Ottawa and did not want to give up his work with SYTYCD. However, after a night of Mr. Harper playing a sensitive rendition of Tiny Dancer on his piano in the Prime Minister’s residence, Mr. Genereux fell weeping into Mr. Harper’s arms and agreed.

All that was needed was the approval of Queen Elizabeth II. Her Majesty had no objections and, but for a last minute contretemps, Mr. Genereux would be our next Governor General. However, at a small dinner party hosted by Mr. and Mrs. Harper in honour of Mr. Genereux and his wife France, Mr. Genereux made the critical mistake in saying that he thought he’d be good for the job because Canadian politics had gotten boring since former PM Pierre Trudeau. He thought Canada needed a VSHOS (Very Sexy Head of State) to liven things up.

Mr. Harper took great umbrage at the implication and apparently asked everyone at the dinner if they thought he was sexy. Apparently, even further upset by the responses, he stormed off muttering about “mob rule”. Later, in a terse letter he informed Mr. Genereux that his country would not in fact require his services.  

Neither Mr. Genereux or the PMO would confirm the story. But we’ll let you be the judge over who’s sexier.