“It is certainly not what we expected to find. Frankly, I had quite a bit of trouble scraping together the funding for this study. Everyone thought, ‘Of course they look that way because they spend all their time and energy on their looks’. However, everyone was wrong. These people are born good-looking. Just think about Brad Pitt – certainly he works incredibly hard to remain handsome but remember how he looked when he first broke onto the scene? The man was gorgeous – he is simply doing maintenance now.”
Marianne Massone, a receptionist on her lunch break, gives her reaction to the controversial study.
“I just don’t believe it. I mean, look at me. Sure, if I had people waiting on me day and night preventing me from eating pasta, and making me run on a treadmill all day, I’d be a freaking goddess. Fact is, I’m a normal regular woman who refuses to be ruled by the media about what’s beautiful. I eat what I want and, because I’m happy, I’m beautiful.”
Following the interview, she returned to eating her cottage cheese, salad, diet coke and banana as she read US magazine. After viewing a photo of Ms. Massone, Dr. Thorvold describes her as “objectively unattractive”.
“She is typical of the many people we used in our study. We took ‘normal’ people who represented the norms in height and weight and even earning power and subjected them to six months of intensive “star treatment” or, as I like to call it, “Beaut Camp”. The results disappointed everyone. Certainly, they looked better, they felt better, they were healthier but they did not look like stars. They were better versions of themselves and, frankly, that is not what anyone had hoped for.”
How did the participants react to their new looks? Were they happier? More successful? More sexually satisfied? In a word, No. Dr. Thorvold explains further.
“Essentially there was this huge let down. People looked at themselves at the end – we kept them from all reflective surfaces for the six months – and were shocked at how little they had changed. Most lost all of their gains shortly and some even entirely gave up on healthy lifestyles entirely, stating that it wasn’t worth the effort.”
While publicly denying any concern, the fitness and cosmetic industries, among others, are secretly terrified of the results of the study. As one anonymous insider puts it, “I mean, if people finally realize that no matter what they do they’re never going to be really that good-looking? They’d probably all just relax and enjoy themselves. And that would kill business.”