Category Archives: Satire

Canadian PM Enraged At Opposition Party Getting Press During Summer Hiatus

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Canadian PM Stephen Harper is allegedly spitting mad that Jack Layton’s New Democratic Party has actually made the news this week. After hamstringing Michael Ignatieff’s Liberals earlier in the season, Harper thought that he had all summer to allow the Canadian public to forget that there were any other political parties before an anticipated fall election call. Instead, the wily mustachioed NDP leader has managed to break though news coverage of forest fires, strikes and Michael Jackson to capture headlines. How has he done this? Through the announcement that his party is considering a name change after 40 years to become the Democratic Party of Canada. While no done deal, it has created just the kind of political excitement, curiosity and enthusiasm that Stephen Harper opposes.

“This is the sort of positive, progressive and frankly fun thing that Fort Calgary is constantly in fear of,” states an anonymous source. “This means more work for us to destroy the average person’s interest in politics. We’ve been developing policies trying to make everyone mad at that carpetbagger Ignatieff and now this comes out of left field, literally. The only thing worse, would be if Layton shaved off that moustache. Then the fur really would fly.”

To counter this name change threat the Conservatives are considering yet another name change of their own. In 2003, after merging with the Canadian Alliance, the party changed its name from the Progressive Conservative Party to simply the Conservative Party. The purported new name: The Regressive Conservative Party.

“We think it speaks to our base,” says the source.

Local Fat Man Opts For Tattoo Over Diet

Josh Bromstein, an overweight fellow in his mid twenties living in Toronto, Canada, talks about his voyage of self-discovery to our correspondent.

“I was at Subway recently getting three of their low calorie sandwiches and the large Diet Pepsi when I looked outside and saw this guy, he was immense, wearing the latest gangsta gear and sporting this incredible display of tats. Full sleeve really weird anime stuff and I could even see the tattooed tail of a lizard coming up from his shirt and encircling his neck. It was like he wasn’t even ashamed of being so fat. He was proud of it; he was a true rebel overthrowing society’s tired conceptions of what people should look like. It was totally rock and roll, guy.

“What was even more impressive to me was that he had a girlfriend! She was chunky too but was pretty in the face. She also had tattoos and was dressed kind of goth-y. She looked like she liked to laugh. It just hit me –  instead of spending my time worrying about my weight I could just get some tattoos and become cool. I felt such a wave of relief crash over me. I changed my order to the meatball sub. Now I’m just trying to decide between some L.A. gang sign and Mighty Mouse for my first.”