Hip and cultured Torontonians are falling all over themselves in paroxysms of self-loathing at the recent election of Rob Ford as mayor and their biggest complaint? He’s a fatty.
One downtown hipster was heard to express disgust that such a fat bastard could be Toronto’s mayor.
“It flies in the face of everything Toronto stands for – he’s some big fat white guy that coaches highschool football – that is NOT what Toronto is about. We’re about small hats, elaborate facial hair, complicated coffee drinks and expressing progressive attitudes. It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’m thinking of moving to Calgary, for god’s sake. At least they elected a Muslim – that’s cutting edge. Someone could think we’re Americans or something.”
Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper, has finally ended the speculation as to who would succeed the popular Michaelle Jean as Canada’s new Governor General when her term expires this fall. As widely predicted, the universally admired and respected David Johnston, University of Waterloo President, lawyer and academic was announced by Harper. He is believed to have been an excellent choice – given the terms of reference Harper insisted upon – a bi-lingual male to follow the preceding two female G-Gs. (Jean and Pamela Wallin).
However, it has recently come to light that initially Johnston was simply a red herring intentionally leaked to disguise Harper’s one and only real choice but that, due to a last minute personality clash, the prime candidate was replaced by the eminently qualified Johnston.
So who is this mystery candidate? The answer would surprise many – Jean-Marc Genereux, a ballroom dance champion and choreographer most famous for his choreography in So You Think You Can Dance and as a permanent judge on So You Think You Can Dance, Canada. Apparently, Harper is a massive fan of the show and of J-M in particular. He hid his enthusiasm for the show by groaning whenever his wife Laureen and daughter Rachel would announce the show was on but strangely was always the first one on the couch with a Bud Light Lime opened beside a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts. It is said that when Brandon Bryant failed to win in 2009 Season 5 he entered a profound malaise. Some say it pushed him over the edge in feeling only contempt for the democratic process. They go as far as to say this is what precipitated the constitutional crisis later that same year.
However Harper seemed to have shaken off these doldrums earlier this year when he realized that, though he couldn’t appoint Mr. Bryant Governor General, he could appoint a famous bilingual Canadian male – Mr. Genereux. Over a number of months, Mr. Harper allegedly wooed Mr. Genereux with the offer. At first Genereux wasn’t interested in living in Ottawa and did not want to give up his work with SYTYCD. However, after a night of Mr. Harper playing a sensitive rendition of Tiny Dancer on his piano in the Prime Minister’s residence, Mr. Genereux fell weeping into Mr. Harper’s arms and agreed.
All that was needed was the approval of Queen Elizabeth II. Her Majesty had no objections and, but for a last minute contretemps, Mr. Genereux would be our next Governor General. However, at a small dinner party hosted by Mr. and Mrs. Harper in honour of Mr. Genereux and his wife France, Mr. Genereux made the critical mistake in saying that he thought he’d be good for the job because Canadian politics had gotten boring since former PM Pierre Trudeau. He thought Canada needed a VSHOS (Very Sexy Head of State) to liven things up.
Mr. Harper took great umbrage at the implication and apparently asked everyone at the dinner if they thought he was sexy. Apparently, even further upset by the responses, he stormed off muttering about “mob rule”. Later, in a terse letter he informed Mr. Genereux that his country would not in fact require his services.
Neither Mr. Genereux or the PMO would confirm the story. But we’ll let you be the judge over who’s sexier.
The most recent example of TTC employees’ war on riders has backfired – due mainly to the fact that the riders are happy that the employees have decided to work at all. As work to rule is premised on the idea of workers doing only their jobs and no more this is seen as a vast improvement on their usual behaviour.
“I think it’s wonderful to see the employees showing up on time and doing their job. What a nice change. I’m happy to see them taking riders’ complaints seriously,” commented Kamla Sharma, a blissfully unaware rider on the Scarborough LRT line yesterday.
“They don’t get it at all,” spluttered an angry TTC driver when told of this prevalent attitude. “We’re not taking their complaints seriously. We’re showing them who’s boss!” When asked his name, the driver told this reporter, “None of your business. I’m not here to answer stupid questions. I drive a bus with regular and well-deserved breaks.”
Actions like the TTC employees’ FaceBook campaign to show how bad riders behave on the transit system by showing garbage and trash-filled buses and subway stations simply made people ask the question, “Why don’t TTC employees simply pick up the garbage? Like they would in any privately-run business?”
TTC Commissioner Adam Giambrone was unavailable for comment as he was in an all day meeting with three interns, a vat of Mazola oil and a roll of plastic sheeting.
People are relieved that the stressful holiday season is over and that they are no longer under the intense pressure to avoid offering an inappropriate seasonal greeting.
The competing claims by Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, Solstice and Eid * are such that the traditional greeting of “Merry Christmas” is seen by many as insensitive and offensive. Most people resort to the safe fall back position of “Season’s Greetings” or “Happy Holidays”. Occasionally however, some in a fit of festive joy or childhood regression slip up and demand that others celebrate the birth of a child over 2,000 years ago through expressions of joy, exchanges of gifts and good cheer and gathering with family and friends. People are understandably upset by such a dictate. As a result, recent poll numbers show that the majority of people are glad that this difficult season is behind us.
“I can finally relax and just say Happy New Year to people without worrying that I might offend someone by wishing them the wrong seasonal greeting for happiness. Thank God!” expressed Mike Hanraty, a cigarette addict and office worker in downtown Toronto as he braved the subzero temperatures for a smoke break earlier this week.
Unfortunately, he offended at least two people with this statement as they walked by. One, a devout Christian, was offended by taking her Lord’s name in vain. Another, a devout atheist, was offended by mentioning a deity at all. On a positive note of solidarity, both were offended by his smoking, however.
*(Publisher’s Note: list is provided as a sample and is no way to be seen as an endorsement of these holidays over others which through sheer inadvertance and in the interest of space constraints may not have been included. We apologize in advance for any insult which may have resulted by this list. )
“It is certainly not what we expected to find. Frankly, I had quite a bit of trouble scraping together the funding for this study. Everyone thought, ‘Of course they look that way because they spend all their time and energy on their looks’. However, everyone was wrong. These people are born good-looking. Just think about Brad Pitt – certainly he works incredibly hard to remain handsome but remember how he looked when he first broke onto the scene? The man was gorgeous – he is simply doing maintenance now.”
Marianne Massone, a receptionist on her lunch break, gives her reaction to the controversial study.
“I just don’t believe it. I mean, look at me. Sure, if I had people waiting on me day and night preventing me from eating pasta, and making me run on a treadmill all day, I’d be a freaking goddess. Fact is, I’m a normal regular woman who refuses to be ruled by the media about what’s beautiful. I eat what I want and, because I’m happy, I’m beautiful.”
Following the interview, she returned to eating her cottage cheese, salad, diet coke and banana as she read US magazine. After viewing a photo of Ms. Massone, Dr. Thorvold describes her as “objectively unattractive”.
“She is typical of the many people we used in our study. We took ‘normal’ people who represented the norms in height and weight and even earning power and subjected them to six months of intensive “star treatment” or, as I like to call it, “Beaut Camp”. The results disappointed everyone. Certainly, they looked better, they felt better, they were healthier but they did not look like stars. They were better versions of themselves and, frankly, that is not what anyone had hoped for.”
How did the participants react to their new looks? Were they happier? More successful? More sexually satisfied? In a word, No. Dr. Thorvold explains further.
“Essentially there was this huge let down. People looked at themselves at the end – we kept them from all reflective surfaces for the six months – and were shocked at how little they had changed. Most lost all of their gains shortly and some even entirely gave up on healthy lifestyles entirely, stating that it wasn’t worth the effort.”
While publicly denying any concern, the fitness and cosmetic industries, among others, are secretly terrified of the results of the study. As one anonymous insider puts it, “I mean, if people finally realize that no matter what they do they’re never going to be really that good-looking? They’d probably all just relax and enjoy themselves. And that would kill business.”
VANCOUVER – In a decision that has thrown his family into disarray, local teen Carter Johnson, 13, has refused to visit his grandmother, Pearl Martins, 75, a resident at the Golden Years Retirement Community. His father, Bruce Johnson, explains.
“We were planning on heading out on Sunday for our monthly visit of Grandma when Carter suddenly announces, ‘I’m not going.’ I have to say I’m sympathetic, I never like to go either but it’s important to Sylvia, my wife, that we all visit her mom. Anyway, I tell him he is going and, you know, it was kind of touching: his eyes all welled up and his voice cracked but he insisted that he wasn’t. He didn’t swear or call us names or anything he just said that he wasn’t going to visit her anymore and then he ran to the second floor bathroom and locked the door. I respect his decision actually but it’s making my life hell with his mother.”
Victoria Johnson, 11, the sister of the teen is quick to assure everyone who asks that she is still visiting her grandmother even though her brother is “being a dork”.
Pearl Martins comments on her hurt surprise at her grandson’s boycott from the visitors’ room at Golden Days.
“He was always a difficult little boy. Frankly, his parents spoiled him which caused all the trouble in first place. I always say look to the parents and you’ll see where the problems start. Actually, what really concerns me is how the people here are stealing from me. I’m not well, you know. I had the worst flu for the longest time. But they have put me in with this woman who is stealing from me. I keep telling the management here but they won’t do anything. Typical, she’s very sly and deceiving, like all her kind. She pretends to be dotty but she’s an incorrigible criminal.”
Carter Johnson responds from his driveway where he is dribbling a basketball. He is grounded “indefinitely” until he changes his “attitude”.
“Yeah, I don’t know. It just kind of sucks going there. I mean it always smells like piss there and it’s just depressing. And it’s not like she’s nice or anything. All she does is talk about herself and how sick she is and how Mrs. Bromstein is stealing from her. Aren’t old people supposed to be wise and have learned things about life and how to be happy? She just seems bitter.”
Blame it on the Boomer parents. Blame it on the permissive ‘anything goes’ ethos of our times. Blame it on improved moisture-wicking technology. Whatever you blame it on, if this trend continues Diaper Genies will be required in all first year university dorm rooms. Admissions personnel from many colleges and universities have reported a disturbing trend in recent applicants and, while fingers are pointed in various directions, one thing seems clear – too many college age kids are wearing diapers. Brad Duguid, Chief Custodian of North-North-Eastern University summarizes the problem. “I don’t know what it is but all of a sudden there is this rash of kids who either can’t or refuse to use the toilet. On one hand it has really cut down on the washroom cleaning duties of my staff but they are rebelling at emptying the trashcans. We’re used to college kids’ dorm rooms being pretty ripe-smelling but this is a whole new level of stench.” Stephanie Ross, a leading sociologist at the Institute of Disturbing Social Trends, a think tank in New Westminster, gives some analysis. “We first saw the use of adult diapers for non-necessary reasons by VLT (video lottery terminal) addicts. Rather than leaving to use the facilities while they were “hot” or “on a roll”, these addicts would wear adult diapers so that they could remain at the terminals for extended periods of times. Almost simultaneously, we noticed the rise of their use in the rave culture where kids would ingest large amounts of drugs and alcohol and, knowing that loss of bodily functions would likely result, took preventative measures. Whether there is any link between these two other uses and this recent development is unclear but it is unlikely. Preliminary studies indicate that this is not a late reversion to early childhood behaviour but shows rather that these kids have never learned how to use the toilet.” Dr. Maxim Okri, The World’s Most Trusted PediatricianTM, spells out what this can mean for parents trying to toilet train their toddlers. “All the time I hear people talking about this thing this “world without borders” like it’s a good thing – it’s not. Borders are important concepts to separate things that should be separated. Too many children are being encouraged to have this positive self-image that is immune to good old social pressure and disapproval. When you couple this with the space-age fabrics in the market place is it any surprise that they are saying, ‘Why should I press my bottom against some cold porcelain when I can much more comfortably settle into my own waste? It’s warm, I made it and everything I do is wonderful – just ask my besotted parents.” This, of course, spells trouble for those parents of toddlers who, when encountering toilet-training difficulties, have long comforted themselves with the nostrum that, ‘However long it takes, you never hear of anyone entering University not already toilet trained.’
A Christian group, Folks for a Nicer World, has recently come out against the proliferation of Jesus in the media. They would like to see descriptions and representations of the Christ limited and controlled through a centralized agency so as to make sure the ‘right’ interpretation of the Son of Man is disseminated.
“It’s like you can barely turn on the TV or open a newspaper or magazine without someone spouting off about Jesus. It’s too much. It weakens the power of his message to let just anyone talk about him, like they have a personal relationship with him not mediated through a designated person trained in interpreting his life and work,” explains Martin A. Francis, co-founder of Folks for a Nicer World.
“Personally, I blame those boomers, those shaved-down hippies, for starting the whole problem in the sixties. When they were content to bastardize and reinterpret Eastern religions to suit their self-indulgent, self-absorbed Me generation, I mean, who cared? It’s when they started messing with My Lord that things got serious. I mean, all this stuff about ‘Jesus Loves Me’ and even ‘What Would Jesus Do?’, is dangerous. It puts the power in the hands of a bunch of ignorant, weak, easily misled people to decide what their religion means. It’s bound to cause problems,” says Melinda Davies, Youth Wing Leader, Folks for a Nicer World.
They hope to use their organization to target government, media and business to rein in the portrayal and discussion of Jesus in the public sphere and leave it to churches. ‘Keep Jesus in Church – Where He Belongs’ is their motto. Alternatively, they would like to see a Faith council set up to vet all public presentations of Jesus and his life.
“It makes sense. Obviously, it was a good thing getting Jesus away from the Catholics and all but they had some good ideas. Keeping the bible in Latin – that was a very smart move. They were able to control the outflow of information pretty nicely that way. Nowadays, we can’t do that but the good thing is that more and more people can’t read or they’re too lazy to read. We have a great opportunity to make a difference through TV and movies and such but we need one consistent voice to make sure that the right message is going out,” continues Francis.
Davies adds to that, “The bible is a confusing work. People need it explained to them. There are a lot of mixed messages in there. I mean, frankly, Jesus isn’t a very good role model for young people, is he? He quits his job, roams around the countryside questioning political and religious leaders, he hangs around with whores and other lowlifes and ends up being arrested and put on death row. And really, he’s thirty three and isn’t married and hanging around with all those guys whom he ‘loves’… it’s a little gay isn’t it?”
Below is the transcript of a recent conversation between a local woman and an OnStar customer representative.
OnStar: This is OnStar, Candace speaking. How may OnStar help you?
Customer: (background screaming and pounding) Shut up! Shut up! For once will you shut up? I am making a call here!
Customer: (muffled screaming, pounding which suddenly ceases) You still there? (heavy breathing) Hello?
OnStar: Yes, hello, ma’am, this is OnStar, Candace speaking. How may OnStar help you?
Customer: Whew. Just let me catch my breath here.
Customer: So hard to get a word in sometimes. Anyway, I just bought the GM Envoy SLT. And may I say, I LOVE it.
OnStar: A very popular choice certainly.
Customer: I went with the Emerald Green Metallic exterior and the ebony leather interior. It looks fabulous.
OnStar: I like the Cranberry myself.
Customer: Very nice but a bit flashy for us. My husband wanted to go for the Liquid Silver Metallic but I talked him out of that. Boring!
OnStar: I’m sorry, ma’am, is there a reason why you’re calling?
Customer: Oh yes, my mother. I’ve run over her in my Envoy and she needs an ambulance or something. Of course it hasn’t affected her mouth any. I’m sorry to say.
OnStar: I am determining your position via the GPS system and am dispatching an ambulance to the scene. What happened?
Customer: Well, we drove up to my parents’ place for Easter in the Envoy and I should have known it was a mistake because almost as soon as we arrive, I mean, I’m still in the truck, she starts in on us about the lack of responsibility in driving an SUV, conspicuous consumption blah blah blah and I don’t know what exactly happened. I just found myself putting the truck into gear and ramming her into the side of the house. I mean, I don’t know. It’s just too much, you know? Last month, the woman asked my kids’ nanny in front of me whether we were treating her well. I mean… argh!
Other Female Voice: (somewhat muffled and distant) Of course I managed to raise 3 children on my own without hiring someone else but I guess that was just foolishness on my part.
Customer: That’s it, Mum, you’re toast!