Category Archives: Satire

Women Are From Mars – SciFi Comedy Webseries

wafm title and pic

My producing partners and I recently received Cogeco development funding for my SciFi comedy webseries, Women Are From Mars. We are currently applying to the IPF for production funding and the more views of our trailer we receive the greater our likelihood of getting funding.

Please check out our short trailer here, laugh and share:

FROM THE SPAM FILES: Pr0fessi0nal Dipl0mas


From The Spam Files: Taking Comic Pleasure and Inspiration From Spam
From The Spam Files: Taking Comic Pleasure and Inspiration From Spam

“You  won’t  have  any  problems  getting  a job  if  you use my advice.  Your pr0fessional  skills  are  all  that  matters,  but getting  a diploma  won’t hurt.  N0w  you won’t  have to  pass any  tests or  exams to receive  your diploma… Tell  please your  name, ph0ne number  and d0  n0t  fOrget  country-code  Let’s discuss  your problem,  contact me if you  have  any  questions. Y0ur Bachel0rs Degree  is  wating for  you. 0rder  0nline”

Is it the misspellings and ungrammatical writing that causes me concern about the legitimacy of this offer? Perhaps it’s the repeated substitution of zeroes for the letter “O”? Whatever it is, it made me laugh. Thank you, Spammers.

Margaret Atwood to develop Author Recognition App

Atwood; Mobile App; Author Recognition; Doug Ford
This is not Margaret Atwood, in case you weren’t sure.

Newsiestuff – June 21, 2012 – Lost in the media buzz around Canadian author Margaret Atwood’s development of a mobile app called Fanado, designed to connect artists and fans, is the news that she is also seeking to develop an author recognition app to allow bellicose politicians, such as Toronto City Councillor Doug Ford, to recogonize her and other authors and artists in the street. The app is provisionally called Farrago.

Kiki Rodriguez-Chang,  a mobile developer close to the Farrago project, indicated that, while she is pleased with attention the other app is getting, her app is of greater importance.

“I mean, look, it’s way more important to have an app to connect artists and authors with politicians and other decision makers or frankly the person in the street – instead of to people who already read literary magazines and listen to public radio. I mean, who cares about them? We need market penetration into Philistines and illiterates. Everyone thought it was outrageous when Doug Ford said he wouldn’t recgnize Atwood in the street – the truth is most people wouldn’t.”

But how would such an work, you might ask. Well, we did anyway.

“With this app we’re thinking of somehow inciting people into downloading it by reframing it as something to do with Tim Horton’s donut shop, or maybe with that ridiculous guy in the loud suits, Bob Melon or Huckleberry, whatever his name is. You know maybe you get a free cruller or the vial of blood from a Canadian soldier or stay-at-home scrappy defenceman when you dowload the app. Real patriotic stuff. We need people like this to know that authors and artists are national heroes too and that, like a donut, they go great with coffeee.”

Presuming Ms. Rodriguez-Chang meant Don Cherry the hockey commentator, we contacted him for a comment.

“Mobile phones? Apps? Commie stuff!” said the person who picked up the phone before angrily hanging up.

Some commentatators have expressed reservations not only about the deceptive tactics planned for Farrago but even for the idea of having politicians being able to recognize them at all.

One Canadian author said upon condition of anonymity, “Yeah, not sure I really want (Canadian Prime Minister Stephen) Harper or (Ontario Progressive Conservative Leader Tim) Hudak knowing who I am or what I look like. Not comfortable with what they might do with that info.”

Unseasonable Weather Drives Toronto Librarians Back to Bargaining Table

One day after calling a strike, City of Toronto librarians are sheepishly returning to the bargaining table. The reason? Unseasonably awesome Spring weather.

“When we originally planned this job action we were imagining typical March weather – cold, grey and rainy – which suited our membership just fine. However, the complaints of sunburn, heatstroke and frisbee-related injuries has compelled us to rethink our position,” commented Marina Ogopogo, spokesperson for the librarians.

Apparently, the idea of trudging around in miserable weather feeling self-righteous and put upon was something the librarians were prepared for. As a group, they possess a greater than usual amount of wool, tweed, raingear and unsightly but practical footwear. They revelled in the idea of pathetic fallacy, a literary concept where the external world reflects the inner life of literary characters. There was much anticipation of doleful complaints and references to Poe, Dickens and Hawthorne. These grim hopes were all dashed by soaring temperatures and sunny skies.

“This gives a new and bitter twist on the concept of the ‘Hot Librarian’,” griped Hans Matheson, a beefy and bearded librarian fanning himself with his Tilley hat and the top button on his flannel shirt unbuttoned. “Our membership contains a smattering of nimble and younger folks who were fine parading around in this weather showing off their youthful limbs but most of us are longing for the cool and dim environs of the stacks.”

Rumours abound that the unseasonable weather is the result of a secret hard right agenda by Mayor Rob Ford. There is a movement afoot to have Councillor Adam Vaughan sponsor a motion condemning the weather-related bargaining tactics of the Mayor. In the meantime, the librarians are reconsidering their options and hoping for rain to drive sun-drunk Torontonians back indoors.



Like many famous people, he’s smaller in person than you imagine. You’d be unwise to mention this to him as there’s always a chance he may decide to put you in a baroquely life-threatening situation from which only someone like Spiderman or Superman could save you. The Spectre laughs when I tell him my fears. This is not in itself surprising, you would expect a person well known for his infamy to simply laugh at the fears of a celebrity reporter, but his laughter has a different source than mere malice and sociopathology. He laughs because at one time such a comment would have sent him into a homicidal rage.

We’re sitting in a tastefully appointed uber modern Penthouse apartment somewhere in, around or under New York City. I’m not sure where exactly as I was abducted as I left for work this morning and was spirited here (after being rendered unconscious through some noxious spray) with a bag over my head. The beautiful views through the floor to ceiling windows are the products of incredibly lifelike holographs. They show wildly discordant scenery (a mountain range at sunrise, a desert at sunset, the New York skyline as would be seen from the Atlantic etc.).

“Obviously my secret lair must remain secret but there is no reason for it to be uncomfortable,” my host confides as he offers me more green tea. I decline, my nervousness combined with the already copious amounts of tea I have ingested to take away the aftertaste of that gas, have left me with a bladder fit near to burst. I am afraid to ask him to use the bathroom. One never knows what might set off these Supervillains.

He leans back in his leather armchair, adjusts his tasteful silk robe and steeples his beautifully manicured long tapering fingers.

“I have agreed to this interview after years of declining such opportunities because I am no longer afraid of you.” Afraid of me?, I ask, incredulous. I’m sure he has no difficulty asking to use the bathroom whenever he feels like it! He looks puzzled by my comment and continues.

“Well of course I am not afraid of your puny physique or clearly limited intellect. What I was afraid of was your opinion or how you would express that opinion to the world. Essentially, I was uncomfortable with who I was and thus, at the slightest perceived criticism, I would fly into a rage and at the end of it often have ruined quite valuable outfits with blood and such. I constantly felt the need to justify myself and my actions. For that reason, I would often get into quite long-winded explanations of my behaviour while I had various superheroes in my grasp. Generally, they would either successfully escape or manage to seriously injure me and foil my plans. But that’s all changed now.”

I squirm in my seat trying to get comfortable. His red eyes flash dangerously.

“Are you listening?” I hurriedly acknowledge that I’m fascinated and surreptitiously pinch myself to try and distract myself from the increasingly urgent demands of my kidneys.

He continues, “Recently I came to the realization that I’m not really a frustrated scientist whose ideas were laughed at by a corrupt and bloated scientific community. Nor am I a man who lost his true love so she could become the glorified whore of some nauseatingly virtuous superhero. I am not even a once great man whose mind became unhinged due to the incredible powers I discovered through my dangerous experiments after I lost out on respect, love and human companionship. No. What I really am is an incredibly evil super genius with a lust for power and that I am really good at what I do. It has been incredibly freeing.”

Prometheus Unbound Story cont. on page 25


Keep your eye on the ball

The last time she saw her husband, he was “stepping out for a smoke”. Two weeks later, Sandra Irving, 39, now knows that her husband had more than tobacco on his mind. The two had been sitting in the waiting area of an outpatient vasectomy clinic, Snip N’ Go, in a strip mall near their suburban home in Oshawa , ON, when Jack Burrows, 40, announced that he was going to buy some cigarettes and have a smoke outside while he waited. The time is estimated at being roughly 1 pm.

“I’ve been trying to get him to quit for years,” Ms. Irving said, “So I wasn’t happy about it. I told him to hurry up, I think.”

Mr. Burrows’ appointment was in fact scheduled for 1:15. His failure to return was not immediately remarked upon as his name was not called for his procedure until 2 pm. Ms. Irving had failed to notice his absence as she was engrossed in a back issue of House and Home.

“It was the Clutter Buster issue,” Ms. Irving explained, “So I didn’t notice right away. When they called his name I thought he’d come in but there was no sign of him. I stepped outside and he wasn’t there. I walked over to the little convenience store just down the way and he wasn’t there either. I was on my way back when I noticed the minivan was gone.”

The couple’s blue Astro minivan was no longer parked in the parking lot. Resting in the spot where it had been were the child booster seat and the infant car seat which had previously been secured in the van. Through evidence pieced together from security cameras at the mall, it appears that Mr. Burrows did indeed buy his cigarettes and at the same time he appeared to pick up a men’s magazine, Boyo. He then stepped outside and smoked a cigarette and flipped through the magazine. Suddenly, he threw down the cigarette, stuffed the magazine into his back pocket and strode off. Cameras lost sight of him briefly but he is later seen filling up the minivan in a gas station a few kilometres down the road.

His trail goes cold until two days later when news footage of a WWE wrestling match tailgate party in Buffalo NY shows a crowd of men and boys dancing around the smoking ruins of what appears to be the remnant of a burned-out minivan in the stadium parking lot. One of the shirtless men has his face painted crimson and blue and bears a remarkable resemblance to Mr. Burrows. Subsequent investigation has revealed the minivan to be the one Mr. Burrows left in but there is no further sign of him.

“If he was going to leave why did he have to set the minivan on fire?” Ms. Irving asked. “Shrek 2 was still in the DVD player and that’s the kids’ favourite. They’re going to be devastated.”


Mayor Scales Back

In a decision that has sent shock waves through City Council and the Weight Loss industry, Mayor Rob Ford has summarily dismissed the scale used to record his public battle with the bulge.

“I have campaigned exclusively on the issue of cutting both waste and my own waist. I have worked hard to lose weight and it frankly is the lowest treachery to publicly betray me in this way after such a long business relationship,” explained a teary and red-faced Mayor Ford.

His worship refers to the recent and very public disagreement between his stated weight loss achievements and the registered weight displayed on the scale in question, a Uline shipping scale formerly used in Mayor Ford’s label business, Deco Labels and Tags, and brought over to join his weight loss team. There is apparently a five pound discrepancy between Mayor Ford’s claims and the weight registered by Uline.

“I don’t care what some stupid scale says. Rob has lost the weight he has stated. The scale is wrong and clearly displays a clear tilt to the left,” snapped Councillor Doug Ford, the Mayor’s brother and close confidant.

Weight loss guru Sandy Gerussi said, “It is a sad day when we shoot the messanger like this. However, it is all too common for people to lash out at their scales when they get news they don’t like. I could tell you shocking stories of people taking hammers to their scales, throwing them out windows… Shocking, shocking stories.”

Uline declined to provide a comment for this article.

Russia has own plan to deal with Syria. Two words: Putin’s torso.

The Russian Federation refuses to go along with other nations in condemning Syria’s leadership through sanctions or other means. It has decided for a Made In Russia approach. What that plan is has been cloaked in secrecy but sources close to Prime Minister Vladimir Putin have revealed it essentially hinges on the powerful but disturbingly hairless torso of Putin himself.

Details are still sketchy but apparently it revolves around Putin being launched from an offshore sub close to a beach. He will emerge from the sea wearing only a formfitting European cut bathing suit. In quick order he will jump astride an Arabian stallion that has been loosed on the beach for this purpose. He will ride bareback and without reins to the city’s central square Al- Majera. He will then apparently stride into an adminstrative building and hold top-level discussions with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“It cannot be stressed enough how important Putin’s physique is to Russian domestic and international policy,” concluded the Russian source.

Steve Jobs Reaches Out From Beyond the Grave

Steve Jobs: visionary; hero; imagineer has added a new title to his collection – Afterworld Entrepreneur.

Shortly after his death and much to their shock, he has reportedly reached staff at Apple headquarters. Being Steve Jobs, this was no ordinary otherwordly communique – he had a new business opportunity he wished to explore. He and Apple staff immediately began developing a new App, tentatively titled APP-terdeath. This app allows you to keep track of recently deceased loved ones and, perhaps most earthshattering, contains an Afterworld Locator function: featuring to date, Heaven, Limbo, and Hell. They hope to add Elysian Fields, Nirvana, Tartarus and Valhalla next and are apparently involved in negotiations with various stakeholders and decision makers  to have that roll out as soon as possible.

“We understand that this is a double-edge sword – some people might be upset to learn that a beloved was being licked by the eternal flames of damnation but there also might be people upset to learn that a recently deceased person was NOT having their entrails slowly pulled out by a sadistic imp. But, hey, that’s the way it goes,” commented an Apple employee upon the condition of anonymity.

As of yet, leaders of the major religions have refused to comment on the rumours but the International Alliance of Fortunetellers, Astrologers, Mystics and Palmreaders have issued a stinging denunciation of what they decry as “the insidious creep of technology into the sacred areas of spirituality.”

“We imagine that there will be a lot of pushback on this and it’s still uncertain what the uptake will be from people who have been dead a long time. It’s difficult to imagine that we’ll get people like Lincoln or Plutarch signing up but Steve hasn’t given us any room to question this new direction so…” continued the Apple staffer.

Cerrtainly nothing is slowing down the folks at Apple, they are working flat out to get this app to market – preferably by Halloween.